Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
