He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
