I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
