I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
