I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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