i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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