My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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