i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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