So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
