Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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