lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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