dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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