something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
