dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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