The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
