This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
