im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
