i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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