u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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