I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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