im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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