I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
