The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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