I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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