does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I bet he comes in French.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
