omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
