i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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