Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
