Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
