I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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