So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
