Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
