i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
