just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
