The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
