I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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