I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize