you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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