I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
