so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Boobs are out for the taking
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
