1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
