I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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