My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
