so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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