ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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