So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
