Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dicks are not precious.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
