Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
