you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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