Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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