she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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