Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Best friends brother. Beat that.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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